************************************
"Happiness is a choice not a given." Regena English
http://www.leatherspinsters.com
************************************

It has been said that February 14 is the second most difficult day (behind New Year's Eve) in a year for unattached persons. Inspite of Valentine's Day being declared a day for lovers it's a perfect day to repair the damage caused by not being able to love self. Now I realize many will say, "I love myself so this don't apply to me". Well lets see. Do you really love yourself or you just say you do? Is your inner talk uplifting or defeating? How many hours a day do you spend finding fault with your life, body, mental capabilities, and past mistakes? If you want to now how much you love yourself all you have to do is monitor your inner dialogue and pay attention to your reactions (physical tensions and emotions). Self esteem (how much we value ourselves) and love are the same thing. When you love you're placing value on whomever or whatever you love, so I ask again, do you love yourself? This month the newsletter will provide articles of different perspectives on self love, doesn't matter which perspective rings true to you, what's important is you find the courage to address your love of self.

*********************
2004 Copyright Regena English All Rights Reserved
the editor of The Leather Spinsters Newsletter for happily unmarried careerwomen,http://www.leatherspinsters.com *********************

***Editor's Note***
This is a new year and another opportunity to become the person you desire to be!!

Ellen was brought up to be invisible. She was taught to be very tuned into others' feelings and needs, but to never have any of her own. Her family made it clear to her that her job was to give to them but to never expect anything in return. As a result, Ellen learned to be totally tuned out to her own feelings and needs. It was as if she, as a person, didn't really exist, other than to be there for others.

When Ellen's feeling and needs did surface, she would tell herself that they weren't important, that she was strong and could handle not having her feelings cared for and or her needs recognized. She convinced herself that if she just cared enough about others, others would eventually care about her. It never happened.

The inner stress of never attending to her own feelings and needs and always feeling so invisible to others as a result finally took a toll on Ellen's health. Ellen is now dealing with cancer and finally has to attend to herself.

Many of us have learned to be invisible ? to ourselves and to others. What are some of the ways you create invisibility?

Do you remain silent, not speaking up for yourself, when feeling discounted or unseen by others?

Do you ignore your own feelings and needs in deference to others?

Do you go along with what others want, even if you really want something else?

Do you accept blame for things that you know are not really your responsibility?

Do you put aside your own opinions and accept the opinions of others to be accepted?

Do you accept disrespectful behavior from others, finding ways to excuse the behavior?

Do you pretend everything is okay when you are really feeling lonely or sad?

Are you conflict avoidant, preferring peace at any cost rather than rock the boat?

Are you carrying too much of the load at home or at work, without complaint?

Do you pretend to like a food, a movie, a topic of conversation, or sex, rather than run the risk of disapproval or rejection?

Do you allow yourself to be violated in any way ? physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually ? to avoid rejection?

Do you allow others' anger or bullying to control you into doing what they want?

Do you do everything yourself, never asking others for help?

How often do you end up feeling unappreciated, unseen, not valued? How much of this is a reflection of how you treat yourself?

If your own feelings and needs are invisible to yourself, they will end up being invisible to others. It is not realistic to constantly put yourself aside and then expect others to value and respect you. Anytime you tolerate uncaring or disrespectful behavior in others to avoid conflict, you are training others to see you as invisible, to not care about your feelings and needs.

If you have been allowing yourself to be invisible for a long time, it is a real challenge to start to care about yourself. You need to be willing to go through a difficult period of feeling others' anger and resentment. After all, you trained them for years to not have to care about you or see you, and now you are changing the rules. They won't like it, but they will eventually respect you for it. You will also discover in the process of caring about yourself who really cares about you and who has just been using you. Those people who really care about you will eventually applaud your self-care, while those who were just using you will go away or be constantly angry with you for changing.

It takes great courage to shift from invisibility to being seen and valued. It takes great courage to be willing to lose others rather than continue to lose yourself. Yet, like with Ellen, your very life may depend upon it. Hopefully, you will not wait until you are ill or feel alone and cast aside by others to start to become visible to yourself.

It must start with yourself ? with learning to tune into, acknowledge, value, and take loving action for yourself regarding your own feelings and needs. It means moving into personal responsibility for your own feelings and needs rather than taking care of everyone else in the hopes they will eventually take care of you. If you are ever going to feel cared for and loved, it has to start with you caring about and being loving to yourself!
~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**
©Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?", "Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email margaret@innerbonding.com.
*******************************

In 1978, Erma Bombeck wrote a book entitled "The Grass is Always Greener over the Septic Tank." It was a most humorous read, at the time. Of course, this title falls in line with the idea that "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." But, her sentiments hit the idea head on in noting that there must be some specific reason that the grass is greener "over there." While the top layer is nice, plush, and green, what is it that boils underneath?

In our very early years, we all strive to be like "someone else," as we're not really sure who we are at the time. Eventually, we reach an age, a level of maturity, where our role models change and we become, well, us. However, in so many situations, we still strive to be like someone else or we envy or hate others because we are not like them --- a most peculiar waste of time on our parts indeed.

Sometimes we strive to be like others because of the situations or challenges that we must deal with every day. Indeed, it would be spectacular to drop everything in life and simply walk in someone else's shoes into what we picture as our "ideal situation." However, did you ever stop and think about that other person's situation? You only see the positive aspects that "attract" you to this other person's life, yet there are always negative aspects hiding beneath the surface

You must realize that each and every life path comes with its share of challenges. Someone who "appears" better off than us actually has a different "class of challenges." Yet, it's not how "challenge free" a life can be, but how those challenges are managed that makes a life fulfilling.

Realize that we sometimes hold on to challenges as an excuse to not move forward in life. Whether we like it or not, we sometimes like to "hang in place" because our current situation provides us with a safe, comfort zone with which we are familiar. Familiarity not only promotes a comforting feeling, but it also breeds lethargy. To turn you life into something more fulfilling and change your challenges, you must decide on the challenges you will undertake.

You must determine what it is that you want in your life and then define a path to achieve --- specify your goals to reach your ultimate Vision. Then, evaluate your challenges to determine if those challenges you are tackling will propel you toward your Vision or hinder your progress.

If we sit still in our lives, we "create" personal challenges as a mechanism to keep us busy and to fool our souls into believing that we must remain stationary due to numerous setbacks. Many of these challenges have to do with unsatisfied desires and lethargy including absorbing the problems of others and living in your head to satisfy the needs of the soul.

However, when we're moving forward in life, we encounter challenges as a result of change and momentum where the Universe must create balance in our wake. In the long run, it is easier to only manage forward-moving challenges than to have to create and then manage our own challenges.

As you can see, challenges can be changed from "problems" by merely altering their purpose. It is a change in perspective that changes our attitude to those challenges that we face everyday. However, this change in perspective can only occur if you have a plan in place that allows you to look at things from a different angle. To do so, you must determine if the resolution of a challenge will be a benefit to your desired direction.

If not, then the challenge might not be essential to resolve, except for purposes of ego. Yet, ego is only a false protector that comes into play when we lose our way. Once we have a direction in life, ego can be replaced with self-esteem to allow you a chance to build and move forward.

In the long run your desire for someone else's life will merely bring on someone else's challenges. If you do decide to take on someone else's life, although their current destination might be appealing, their path might not be something that will satisfy your desires. Become your own hero and stop envying the lives of others as, in most cases, they envy your life as well. As you plan and define your direction, you will find that your life is truly unique. Learn to love yourself and your life and take the time to "turn it into" everything that you desire.

--- About the Author ---

Edward B. Toupin is an author, life-strategy coach, counselor, technical writer, and PhD Candidate living in Las Vegas, NV. Among other things, he authors books, articles, and screenplays on topics ranging from career success through life organization and fulfillment. For more information, e-mail Edward at: toupin@toupin.comor visit his sites at www.toupin.com or www.make-life-great.com.