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Inside this Newsletter
1. Articles
A. Observing Yourself
3. For Your Information
B. 8 Ways To Become Less-Needy
Shirts that say you are happy being YOU!
"The number one is the loneliest number if
we believe it to be." Regena English
http://www.leatherspinsters.com
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It is impossible to go through life without feelings and thoughts. These
feelings and thoughts affect your body and your mind and can bring you in
various mental states, from elation to devastation.
However, as you mature, you also learn that nothing lasts: not elation, not
devastation, and not anything in between. Feelings and thoughts come and go
like the tides of a river. If your responses to emotions are like those of
the majority of other human beings, you probably enjoy the feelings of
elation and dread those of devastation. You may then have also learned that
elation, devastation, and all in-between states can elicit behaviors in you
that you would have avoided, were you in a more moderate state of mind.
Fortunately, there is a way to establish better balance in your life, in
which neither elation nor devastation, nor any state in between, will derail
your acts or your perspectives about what makes sense, and what not. That is
the way of observation.
By observing your states mindfully, you learn to see them in their right
perspectives. You also learn to see their origins, so you get to understand
them better and consequently release them from additional baggage that
merely engorges their volume and, thus, blows them out of proportion. It is,
after all, this blowing out of proportion, that creates extremes such as
elation and devastation.
This is not to say that mindful analysis of your feelings and thoughts will
entirely eliminate extreme emotional experiences, as you are still part of
this world, and there will still be events that will bring out intense
emotions within you at times, due to your connectedness with other living
beings. However, it does entail that there will be fewer outliers and more
balance in your states from then on.
So how do you observe yourself?
1) Examine your emotions and thoughts from an outsider’s perspective
whenever you think about them (For instance: “Boy, am I upset today!”).
Once you have detected the nature of your feeling or thought (2) and its
reason for existence (3), you can start working at it: in the above example
you can either decide not to trust this colleague anymore, or you can
express your disappointment about his or her actions.
In either of the steps you decide to take in order to balance this emotion,
you have to make sure it frees you from the excessive sentiment, and
transforms this feeling into one that you can easier accept. Yet, it may
also be wise not to forget the lesson you learned from this feeling or
emotion, which, in this case may be to remain friendly and kind, but to
refrain from, or be more careful about, sharing confidential information
with others in the future.
One thing you should definitely refrain from is becoming and remaining upset
at yourself. You are the one closest to your feelings and thoughts, so you
better keep them bearable toward yourself.
Concluding: By engaging in observation about your mental and emotional
states, you will get better insight into your character: your strengths,
weaknesses, likes, dislikes, interests, and non-interests. It is this
evaluation of your feelings and thoughts and their origins that will
ultimately eliminate most extremes and make you a better-balanced person,
more capable of coping with the surprises of life, overall.
Dr. Joan Marques,
About the Author:
It is better to live in serene poverty than in hectic affluence. Everything
has a price. The price for nurturing your soul is turning away from
excessive stress, destruction of self-respect, and the constant strive in
lifestyle with the Joneses. But it’s worth it.
http://www.leatherspinsters.com
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Leigh Sanders said, “Listen for your song, and join in the dance. Live in the
center of your truth and find the bliss of always being enough.” Remember
that you are a one of kind work of art, with a special song to sing and jig to
dance. Find your center, know that you are enough, and you will find the love
you are so desperately seeking. All kinds of love (friend, familial, and
romantic) starts and ends with self-love. When you love yourself, you can
enter and exit from relationships with ease and grace. With a healthy dose of
love for “self,” you will find that when you are in love with someone else,
you are more fully present. And when you are out of love with someone, you
remain grounded.
The famous pyschotherapist Erich Fromm says, “If an individual is able to love
productively, he loves himself, if he can only love others, he cannot love at
all.” Having love for yourself empowers you to love more freely and with
more intensity. You can only give to others what you have yourself. So, if
you want people to love you and treat you with respect, give it to yourself
first.
As human beings, we have many needs that are important to us, which is
perfectly normal. Needs are natural and when they are met in a healthy and
balanced way, we are most happy. The problem comes up when we look to others
to get those needs met. We are often unconscious of our neediest needs! But
other people can usually spot them a mile away, and instead of giving us what
we want, they tend to do the opposite! Such is the nature of needs. They
scare people away instead of drawing them to us.
Emotionally needy people are not much fun to be around---they will manipulate,
dominate, and finesse others to try to get what they want. And when others
turn away, they get angry, blaming or striking out at them. You have probably
done this a time or two—who hasn’t! However, this frustrating cycle can go on
for a lifetime until you make a conscious decision to change.
When you learn how to meet your own needs, you become free. You are more open
and receptive, more loving and much more attractive to other people. The
first step is to be able to identify what your needs are, and begin the
process of meeting them once and for all. Once you have done your own inner
work, you will notice that people respond to you much more to your liking.
Read the list and circle the 3 most important needs you have:
Loved
Think of your three top needs and how you typically get them met. How much
time do you wait for others to give you what you need? How often does that
approach work---very rarely, right?
There is a better way: love yourself more. When you love yourself, your
emotional energy vibrates “cleaner” and at a higher frequency.
What follows are 8 ways to love yourself more:
1). Accept Your Whole Self
Accept your greatness and your limitations. You are a vital and vibrant human
being, start feeling good about yourself just the way you are right now!
2). Believe in Yourself
Be confident in yourself and your talents/abilities. Have faith that the
universe will provide and that your needs will ultimately be met for the
highest good.
3). Consider Yourself
Reflect about your likes, dislikes, what you want and don’t want. You deserve
to have the best relationships, career, and lifestyle.
4). Discover Yourself
Learn about your personality, values, beliefs through assessment tools and
inspirational books. Excavate your soul and create your life around what is
most precious to you.
5). Encourage Yourself
You are worthy of special treatment! Say and do nice things for yourself
every day. Keep a running accomplishment list and add to it regularly.
6). Expand Yourself
Explore the world around you. Get interested in what life has to offer. Read
books, meet people, take classes, and travel to new countries. Get in the
habit of doing things differently.
7). Forgive Yourself
Let go of any residual guilt or fear from your past. Forgive yourself for
making mistakes and not getting everything “exactly right.” When you forgive,
you free up emotional energy that can better used to love and be loved.
8). Value Yourself
Just by being born, you are worthy of esteem and value. Let yourself off the
hook and move from having to do anything to deserve to be valued. Treat
yourself like you would a best friend.
You deserve to get all of your needs met, and you are the person most capable
of doing it. Know that YOU are the MOST important person in your life. You
will always be in relationship with yourself, so make it the best relationship
it can be. When you love yourself, you take care of your own needs, and as a
result, you have a cup that begins to overflow, with even more to share with
other people.
~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**
I am very impressed with your organization, and I was
hoping you might be able to help me with a
project I am working on. My name is Jessica Donn, and
I am a doctoral student in Psychology at Miami
University in Ohio. I am doing my dissertation on the
lives of never-married singles age 35-45, looking at
what contributes to subjective well-being for singles.
I am conducting my study online, which means that
people who participate would fill out a survey on the
internet. The survey takes about an hour, and
participants who complete the survey have the option
to register for a $100 lottery. I was hoping there
might be a way you could help me distribute a call for
people to participate in my study, either by sending
out an email (I have a standard email invitation to
send) or by including my call for participants in your
newsletter.
The study is at the web site: www.singlesstudy.com Thank you for your attention, and please let me know
if I can answer any questions, or if you can help in
any way. Thanks so much.
Jessica Donn, MA
Copyright 1998-2004, St.Mary Publishing Company of Houston (TM). All Rights Reserved. You may not use any parts of this publication
without permission. Comments may or may not be edited for length. St.Mary Publishing Company of Houston(TM) is not responsible for comments made by authors nor advertiser content,promises, or products. ISSN 1527-7186
2) Realize what exactly it is that you are feeling or thinking now (“I
experience a feeling of disappointment”).
3) Analyze how this feeling or thought came about (“I experience a feeling
of disappointment because my colleague at work whom I considered a friend
told others something I had shared confidentially with him or her”).
Burbank, CA, 06/15/04
Joan Marques emigrated from Suriname, South America, to California, U.S., in
1998. She holds a doctorate in Organizational Leadership, a Master's in
Business Administration, and is currently a university instructor in
Business and Management in Burbank, California. You may visit her web sites
at http://www.joanmarques.com
Do you want to feel?
Cherished
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Michelle L. Casto is a Whole Life Coach, Speaker, and Author of the Get Smart!
LearningBook Series. Her coaching practice is Brightlight Coaching, she helps
people come up with bright ideas for their life and empowers them to freely
shine their bright light to the world. Visit virtually:
www.brightlightcoach.com
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Miami University
Oxford, OH
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