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Inside this Newsletter
1. Articles
A. Self Esteem: You Are Not Who You Think You Are
2. For Your Information
Everyone seek the key to happiness outwardly
but only the wise know it lies within.!
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David sat in front of me at one of my five-day intensive
workshops. A successful businessman with a wife and two grown
children, David believed that he was not good enough.
I looked at this kind man and felt deep sadness for him. He did
not know who he was.
Why do you believe that?, I asked.
I didn't do well in school, and I've made lots of mistakes in
my life.
So you are basing your worth on your performance, right?
Of course.
David could not conceive of any other way of defining his worth
other than through his performance which he never saw as good
enough.
I asked David to look inside at the essence of himself - and
tell me what he sees. All he saw was emptiness.
David, please close your eyes. Now imagine a wonderful being
who loves you very much. Who comes to mind?
My grandfather. He died when I was young, but he really loved
me.
Good. Now imagine that you are seeing yourself through the
eyes of your grandfather. What does your grandfather see when
he looks at you?
He sees a bright and creative little boy, who is very kind and
caring. A loving little boy. A little boy who is funny and likes
to laugh, and likes to make other people laugh.
Is there anything wrong with this little boy? Anything
inadequate or insufficient?
Oh no! He is a wonderful little boy.
David, this is who you really are. You are not your
performance. Your performance will come and go and at some
point you might retire and not perform at all. Yet that does
not mean that you are, therefore, worthless. Your worth is in
who you are, not in what you do. Your worth in intrinsic.
David realized that, because of his highly critical and
rejecting parents, he had always been trying to prove himself and always came up short in their eyes. As a result of seeing himself as unworthy and inadequate, he did not treat himself well. He treated himself the way his parents had treated him with criticism and neglect. He was always trying to take care of everyone else, but rarely thought about taking care of himself. He was constantly abandoning himself emotionally, just as he had been emotionally abandoned by his parents.
David, if you chose to see yourself as your grandfather saw
you rather than how your parents saw you, how would you feel
about yourself and how would you treat yourself?
I've just been thinking about that. I just realized that I
treat my dog better than I treat myself!
I would never judge my dog the way I judge myself.
So what would you do differently if you saw yourself the way
your grandfather sees you?
I would stop judging myself as insufficient and inadequate.
I'm a really good person. I am not at all insufficient or
inadequate as a person. And I choose my friends based on who
they are as people not on their performance. So I obviously value the very qualities that I possess!
What else would you do if you really valued who you are?
I would listen to my own feelings and take care of my own
needs instead of taking care of everyone else's feelings and
needs. I would no longer see it as selfish to take care of
myself instead of taking care of everyone else. I would be at
least as attentive to myself as I am to my dog!
David was glowing. He was discovering who he really is, not who
he thought he was.
People often think that their worth who they really are is
based on looks and performance. Yet these qualities are
transitory. What is real and eternal is who you are in your
heart and soul. If you shift your definition of your worth from
outer to inner, you will stop trying to prove yourself. You will
know that you are already a beautiful being, totally deserving
of love.
About The Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D., best-selling author of
eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
You" and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE
Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com
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Regena I don't know if you remember me but you printed a letter I wrote six years ago in the newsletter. This is a followup to that letter to let you know what has become of me and my decision to leave the sisterhood.
I now know I did the right thing for me by leaving my order to pursue single happiness. My motivation for leaving had nothing to do with wanting a husband or to feel "normal" by other women's standards. I left to live as you've said many times, "to live on my terms".
I found confidence by reading the articles in this newsletter, went back to school, and started a new profession as a sonographer. I moved back to my hometown where my family and old friends welcomed me. Bought a house and made more friends.
I followed your advice and never said never in spite of saying so much in my previous letter. Something happened, I started dating. This past December I celebrated two years in a wonderful relationship with a man from my former profession, a priest, well ex-priest. He and I ran into each other and were both shocked by the news each of us had left our vocations and started anew.
On a funny note. The day I ran into him he and I met that evening for dinner to swap "leaving" stories. It was at that time I told him I was a leather spinster. His eyes were golf ball size. He said a leather what? I said a leather spinster. He said oh my G*d things have changed with you since I last saw you. I explained to him the meaning and he said he was relieved because he had some raw visions of me. He suggested I not use the term. I told him I couldn't do that, that term defined my life. Never again did he object to my usage of the term leather spinster.
No marriage plans for me, I'm happily single but this beautiful gentleman adds another wonderful dimension to my life I never thought possible. Regena thank you for your many years of support and encouragement of single women, especially those of us who were hiding from the world.
Carmenita Delgado
Leather Spinsters Newsletter June 2000 Edition
I've had the intention of telling my story for a long time but fear kept me silent. My name is Carmen I'm a 46 year old former-nun or ex-nun, or whichever you feel is appropriate. I know there are women reading this newsletter who think women like me are betrayers of God. I'm not!
I couldn't go on pretending I was happy with people telling me when and what I was to do. I left a domineering step-father to serve for the rest of my life under a domineering church and religion.
I don't know how it feels to want marriage or even children for that matter. Now, my confession don't mean I dislike men or children. I just don't have the same passion to have them like other women. I thought becoming a nun would make me feel more normal and complete but it didn't.
I didn't know what I was suppose to do when I lacked the feelings to seek out a mate. Becoming a nun was the answer for me so I thought. A quiet way of hiding from those annoying people who constantly questioned me. I could calmly exist behind my veil without the worried looks and probing questions.
I felt safe for awhile, then my order elected to lose our veils. I was back where I started. The questions as to why I wasn't married cranked up again. Telling them I was a sister didn't make matters any better. People really thought I was bizarre wanting to commit to a God none has seen while giving up the pleasures of my body and heart.
It was bearable while in a religious setting of my peers but once I left that environment I became a target. I've been accused of being afraid of being labeled as an "out" lesbian and of men. According to those who debated my presence in the sisterhood, "such a pretty woman wouldn't give up the possibilities of marriage and sex if she wasn't running from issues".
They were right on one thing, I was running from issues. The issue of me not wanting people to judge me wrongfully for being unwanting of a husband and children. The sisterhood was my unhappy home for nineteen years. I made up my mind to stop caring what people thought and said about my choosing to not have a mate and offspring. It was then I accepted the fact I was living a lie and it was time for me to face the truth.
No, I don't want a husband or boyfriend. No, I don't want children of my own. Yes, I like men and yes I love my nieces and nephews. Yes, for a long time I felt ashamed of being void of those female impulses. Not anymore!
I was so tired of feeling ashamed of how I felt I had to do something. I'm where I'm comfortable with myself and it's not such a bad place to be. If you can't understand why I did what I did join the rest but my days of running and hiding like a wanted person are over. There are no ducking of questions I'm just as honest with others as with myself. If they can understand my past turmoil great, if not fine. Who said dealing with asexuality would be easy?Carmenita Delgado
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