Leather Spinsters Newsletter November 2000 Edition

Leather Spinsters Newsletter November 2000 Edition

Inside this Newsletter

1. Articles

    A. On Everyday Loss -- Saying Good-bye, Saying Hello
    B. Getting Over The Pain
2. Spinster Letters
3. Leather Spinsters on the Web Preview
4. Advertisements

On Everyday Loss -- Saying Good-bye, Saying Hello

Divorce. Car engine giving out in the middle of a 4-lane freeway. Relocating to a new town. Within four walls a new home is built. Drop in income. Looking for work. New friends. Server crash. Computer crash.

Everyday loss is like a sudden artic wind howling down from the north into the definition of your being in this world. The deep freeze and extremes in temperature creates cracks in the structure of who you are, who you have become accustomed to being. For awhile you may even become uncertain to the strength of the very foundation itself, your innermost being -- your spiritual self. When the thaw comes, what will remain standing, what will be salvageable, what will have to be built anew, what will still be true?

The saving grace is that the thaw will come and pain will have no present memory -- not the feeling of pain itself. You can remember, you can learn. You can be relieved for the space and time between the then and the better times now, but the actual pain of everyday loss itself has no memory.

What an anomoly in time this time can be; but in looking back it may appear quite different:
it may appear as a time of phenomenal opportunities and growth and change of things that would never have happened had not the things that did happen of deep and lasting friendships formed of chances taken and vast new plateaus reached. But, oh, I still miss all that I had grown into and become. The familiar, the comfortable, the warmth of my definition and place in this world.

Dalene Entenmann, Editor
SpiritualSisters of the Internet Cafe

The footsteps of those proud spinsters that have gone before and those that are soon to follow.


Getting Over The Pain

Yvonne (not her real name) thought the world as she knew it was over after her boyfriend left her for someone else. In a moment of desperation she took her life. Do you ever wonder why women do such drastic things? I have on many occasions.

It's fear that drive women to kill themselves. Fear of being alone. In this culture being alone is associated with being lonely and unwanted. There's a difference between the two words:

Alone-1. means to be apart from any other. 2. to be solitary or free.
Lonely-1. means lone, companionless. 2. destitute of sympathetic, friendly companionship, or relationships.

As you can see the definitions are different. In this culture women are raised to think if they're alone they must be lonely. Yvonne couldn't deal with the idea of being "lonely" so she took what she thought was the easy way out and killed herself.

Facing the pain of being without romantic companionship could've quite possibly left her a stronger person for having experienced it. We will never know in her case. There are some of you going through trials and tribulations in your life, many of which many be related to relationship loss. Don't give up, the pain will subside.

The first step to healing after a dissolved relationship is to focus on yourself. No I don't mean beat yourself up for having flaws. I suggest looking at your character imperfections to constructively correct them. If you found during the relationship you were very needy of that person's time and energy apparently there's a insecurity issue to be faced.

Seek counseling. Don't let the so-called "chicness" of having a therapist deprive you of any benefits to be had from seeking this service. If counseling is what you need, then go to one that specializes in single issues.

Don't think you need counseling? Set aside an hour or more each day to focus on the direction you want to travel in your life. Identify the image you want for yourself. More importantly be alone, don't make the mistake most women make by hiding in a crowd. They believe if they keep themselves surrounded with people the pain of losing a companion would go away. It don't, it's put on the backburner for later.

Manage your time wisely, don't spend it rehashing old mistakes. Negatively thinking in past tense will not help your present situation so move on. Feeling like you can't make it? Know that you can and will, providing you let go of your past hurts and focus on making you the best you can be.

Whenever you feel out of control it's time to invite a therapist in to aid you in your recovery. There's no relationship in this world worth more than your life so suicide should never be considered. Rest assured, you're not going through anything most haven't experienced and overcame.

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Spinster Letters

I want to respond to the comments from last month, are single women trading off their best years by not getting married and birthing kids? I have to say I don't think in regrets but I do believe I traded wifeliness and motherhood wonders for my present life. I didn't worry about my decisions when I was twenty but at forty-six I weigh every choice. Yes it was an unfair trade off for me, but I made the best decision I could have possibly made with the life experiences I had under my belt at that time. 46,Beth

Most certainly not is my answer to last month issue on life trades. I can't imagine having a life of carpools, toilet seat arguments, pta meetings, penny pinching, and snotty noses.Veeanne

There was a time I thought I made the wrong decision but I got over it. I saw some of my friends go through hell recovering from the ending of twenty and thirty year marriages. Those who were lucky had already finished raising their kids and paying for their education. I've seen some able bodied people get put into homes by their children who didn't want to be bothered with them. I've seen children rob their own parents of property, one instance the son killed his parents for their insurance. Having witnessed the downside as well as the upside of marriage and parenthood I feel the choice to remain single was best for me.61, Nancy

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