Leather Spinsters Newsletter October 2002 Edition

Leather Spinsters Newsletter October 2002 Edition

Inside this Newsletter

1. Newsletter Agenda
2. Articles

    A. Living On The Edge
    B. You Can't Get THERE From HERE
3. Spinster Letters

Newsletter Agenda

The articles featured in this newsletter are done so as tools inwhich you can apply in your own life, to purposefully create the life you desire. Yes you may find occasional articles exploring the lifestyles of other single women, but the main purpose is to supply you the reader with as many methods of pursuing your life goals as possible. All too often we live by "accident", experiencing a mixed bag of unconscious intentions with halfhearted wishes for something better. Now you can exercise a choice in the kind of life you want. See and use this publication for all the good it can offer you to change your life in major and satisfying ways. Let go of the notion you can't "have it all", whatever "having it all" may mean to you, on the basis you're single, female, and over the age of 30.

Living On The Edge
What is your lifestyle like? Do you sometimes feel like your finances are out of control and you are living on the edge? Our lifestyle today has become one of "buy and charge". Society pounds this message incessantly, wherever you turn. It is even easier for us to make money than to keep it.

Today, families are living more and more on the edge. "Household borrowing has risen almost 60% to $6.5 trillion in the past five years." The Wall Street Journal, July 5, 2000. Most of us don't even think twice about charging something we can't afford to pay off when the bill comes.

As a result, "Families across America have accumulated $505 billion in credit card debt, averaging a balance of nearly $8,000 per household." USA Today, January 5, 2001

But it's not all your fault. :-) The media spends billions of dollars each year to help you make decisions on where to spend your money. They tell you where you should live, what you should buy, what kind of car you should drive and all the while, pushing you closer and closer towards the edge.

Meanwhile, lenders, credit card companies (I'll refer to them as "blood-sucking leaches") are getting the majority of your income each month. Take a moment and calculate what percentage of your paycheck each month is going towards any type of debt. Is it 50%? Is it 85% or could it even be 90%?

Actually, maybe you'd rather not know what you are paying out monthly in interest and debt payments. It's too depressing unless you'd like to make a change and slowly backup from that "edge".

If so, your first step will be to learn to hate credit with a passion. It is not your friend. It is pushing you towards the edge and the only way to fight back is by getting yourself out of debt!

Pay off your debts, and stop the instant gratification spending. If you can't pay off a debt within 25 days, don't make the purchase. It's the only way to beat the system.

Join me in my efforts to "Beat The System" and live away from the edge of financial disaster.

Doris Dobkins is a money saving expert, author and speaker and has helped thousands of people find ways to save money and get out of debt.

If you are "living on the edge of financial disaster" and need some direction, get your copy today of Doris's frugal living home study course "Get Out Of Debt Now!". Click here now: http://www.creativefinances.com

You Can't Get THERE From HERE

This article is dedicated to my friends and everyone who has sacrificed their life to dis-ease. In August of 2001, I discovered very important information about how thoughts and feelings create reality. I am sharing these insights with anyone who wants to get greater control of their destiny. I know for a fact that there have been cures for cancer for over twenty five years, and I want to explain some things that hopefully will inspire you to transcend victim consciousness and live the life you were born to live.

How Reality Is Created

Thoughts and feelings create! Thoughts and feelings are impulses of energy and information. They send out vibrational pictures, patterns, and colors (not words or language). This energy affects the atmosphere (energy field) around the person thinking the thought or feeling the feeling. Once they go out they can never be retracted. What we see in the outer world is a reflection of collectives humanity's thoughts and feelings. Much of our future is being created by radio and TV programming.

It's simple to understand how reality is created when you understand the Science of Consciousness. But what is consciousness and how can you influence it? I define collective consciousness as the sum total of humanity's beliefs, thoughts, feelings and actions. Media, public relations firms, and advertising constantly send out thought-forms that program us for sickness, drugs, violence, fear, and materiality. These thoughts go into collective consciousness and create a huge cesspool of crap from which we draw our personal thoughts. Perception is carefully and precisely regulated.

Most conventional wisdom is implanted into the public consciousness by a thousand contrived media clips per day.

Whose Thoughts Are You Thinking?

Where attention goes-reality is created. Have you ever wondered why most people in America generally think the same thing about most issues? These illusions are perpetrated and continuously reinforced by spin doctors. First comes the thought-then it manifests in everyday life. For example, constant awareness to medical problems, creates more drug customers. Constant awareness to being a victim-creates more people feeling victimized. Cancer was rare until someone told us about it and programmed fear thoughts into consciousness. People did not think about flu shots until the media promoted them. Have you ever wondered about the ethics of CNN Allergy Reports being sponsored by a drug company? Do you really believe allergy medicine will cure allergies or is it just a sales pitch? What's true is that awareness to allergies-creates allergies. Remove those thoughts forms from your energy field-your allergies will be gone.

Let's explore conventional thoughtstreams promoted in today's society which are creating public consciousness: 1) An education guarantees financial success, 2) war will create peace, 3) fluoride protects your teeth, 4) take out your gall bladder because it's not really needed, 5) HIV causes AIDS, 6) without vaccines infectious diseases will return, 7) the FDA thoroughly tests all drugs before marketing them, 8) if it's written in the newspaper or professional journal, it's true, 9) flu shots prevent flu, 10) menopause complications are something every woman can expect, 11) pharmaceutical drugs restore health, 12) pets need drugs, shots and surgery, 13) scientists are god-like, 14) be afraid of sun causing cancer, 15) you must "own a piece of the rock", and 16) the purpose of life is shopping.

Dare To Think For Your Self

Most people are ignorant-not evil. But, as the saying goes ignorance of the law is no excuse. The result of ignorance however, is why I share Universal Laws. These laws transcend man-made laws and always hold true. For example, if you jump out of a 6th story window you will go down ... and if you plant tomato seeds you will get tomatoes and not radishes.

Einstein said, " We cannot create solutions to problems with the same consciousness that created them." When you learn the truth about how reality is created, you will think beyond living in only a "physical world" and think in terms of an "energy world." . To break free of collective programming you will need to upgrade your thought programming and then vigilantly select each thought and feeling. Upgrading your thought programming is much like installing an upgraded computer program onto your computer.

"AGAINST" Energy Creates More Of What You Don't Want & Collapses Your Energy Field

For example, if you are in a relationship with someone and they are stuck in their doldrums, what you should do is observe what makes you feel good, or what brings you joy-and do it. Don't waste your energy fighting against what you don't want. This only creates more of what you don't want.

Another example is in today's business climate, many people are dissatisfied with management or the company they work for. Most of their energy is wasted trying to get away from the pain. It's more productive to decide what makes you fulfilled and feel good - then create it. Only invest in positive thoughts. Make the necessary changes to your preferred state of functioning. Your energy, time and money will increase because you're not "fighting against something" or "trying to get rid of something."

It's impossible to get "far enough away" from anything or anyone, because separation is only an illusion. People or experiences are never more than a thought away. The Internet is helping people learn about being connected. Just as you can send e-mail via the Internet, we constantly send people "energy e-mail" messages. It doesn't matter whether the person is in the same room or across the globe. They instantly, consciously or unconsciously, get your "energy e-mail." To create the reality you prefer - you must be very selective with each thought you allow to enter your mind, and carefully monitor the thoughts and feelings you send to others.

"Hedging Against" and Trying To Protect Yourself

Most people have been programmed to hedge against inflation, to purchase insurance to protect against disability, fire, death, and illness, etc. The "save for a rainy day" mindset is also "hedging against." This attracts to you what you don't want in your life. The hidden motivation to save for retirement is usually driven by a desire to protect against old age.

This whole mindset of against vs. for … profits huge industries. People buy vitamins, hair and beauty aids, their children's education, and get regular medical tests and checkups for the negative reasons of protecting themselves. All of the above scenarios are fear-based motivations that dis-empower you, collapse your energy field and create the opposite of your real intention.

PR Firms Raise Lots Of Money For Organizations "Hedging Against"

I personally know several people who had a health crisis, after training for today's popular fund raising events. Well-intended participants are running, walking or biking, with the intent to avoid cancer or honor someone they knew who experienced cancer. What they have not understood, is that by putting these thoughts into their minds-disease gets created. What if people knew they get what they are thinking and feeling-not what they think they are thinking and feeling … AND that whatever they give attention to will expand. Would they still participate?

Words and feelings are powerful creators of reality. If you do not have the cancer thoughts in your consciousness (consciously or unconsciously)-you can't create cancer in your life. A magnet does not stick to wood-only to metal. Remove the thoughts from millions of people's consciousness (and even from your family genetic consciousness)-and the disease or conditions disappear.

Your brain can't hold two thoughts simultaneously. You can't simultaneously hold a happy and sad thought, or healthy and sick thought. It's impossible to think about the AVON BREAST CANCER 3-DAY event and simultaneously hold the thought of total health and vibrant aliveness. So what's happening? The answer is, the more attention the disease gets-the more people experience it. Health is our natural state-disease is abnormal and can't exist in a healthy body. Remove the thoughts of victim, fear, worry, war, disease, etc., and the thoughts are deleted from the collective thought cesspool. Your "search engine" will come up with nothing. Spell check makes sure words are spelled right. Empower yourself by using a "thought-check" system for the next 30 days and see how your life changes. Allow only thoughts of health, joy, peace, integrity, and harmony. Watch how everything changes.

Should the PR firms and businesses be held liable for the results of their actions? One PR firm claims they have netted more dollars FOR breast cancer and AIDS charities more quickly than any known private event enterprise in United States history. But the goals are not aligned to natural laws and universal principles. Dis-ease consciousness creates disease-and that is why there have been no solutions, no real cures for a variety of dis-eases. This is why there have been no solutions, no real cures for a variety of dis-eases. To quote the promotional brochures for this event, "3 Days Of Walking from Santa Barbara to Malibu to FIGHT breast cancer with 3,000 others like you. 3 Days Of Kindness, commitment and friendship. 3-Days of Meaning you'll remember for the rest of your life." Some good will come from these events. There will be some heart-warming experiences, new friendships will be made, and money will be raised. But what will be deposited in the collective thought/feeling bank to prevent dis-ease in the future?

I had a friend who was a zealot for long term care insurance. I watched her create her own death at a very young age. She constantly thought about how awful it is for people to get ill and lose their life savings and retirement money. Her real motivation was FEAR. From her fear, she manifested her greatest fear in her own life.

Has the campaign, "Say no to drugs" worked? If not, why not? Because it can't. The brain only records the last word … drugs … drugs … drugs. The saying should have been, "Say no to drugs…Say yes to Life." Think about this, grocery stores are now "Food & Drug Stores." Where are we all headed? Unless you own stocks in pharmaceutical companies and don't care about the future world you, your children and grandchildren will live in … please take heed.

Now that you are more informed and aware about how thoughts/feelings create reality, how would you like to work for the Orange County Financial Abuse Specialist Team? They specialize in training financial abuse specialists in agencies and organizations that serve the elderly. Or are you willing to support the NATIONAL DRUG AND ALCOHOL AWARENESS WEEK where a PTA organization puts a "death toll poster car" on display at the high school campus depicting people killed last year by drunk drivers in Orange County. Their stated objective "We hope to increase a greater awareness of substance abuse through this project." How awful that our children have to suffer because of ignorant, uniformed adults.

OR the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society … FIGHTING Blood-Related Cancers. OR TV evangelists who play on people's emotions using starving children's pictures or pictures of the helpless and hopeless. OR a concert to "STOP THE ABUSE of Afghanistan women or children." OR "Help Stamp Out Hunger." OR, America's Walk FOR Diabetes. OR, run or walk the marathon in Honolulu for the Arthritis Foundation? Joints In Motion with a slogan, "Take it on!" OR, Race for the Cure-112 events nationwide and this organization is the leading catalyst in the FIGHT AGAINST this devastating disease...every woman is at risk-great perks, extra mammograms, T-shirts, and complementary refreshments. OR you can create more awareness to arthritis by becoming a member of the Arthritis Foundation's Joints in Motion Training Team, take a vacation, and run the "I Love Paris In The Springtime Marathon."

What about, "Prevent CHILD ABUSE?" Again, the brain records child abuse. OR Alzheimer's Memory Walk-a fun way to join the FIGHT AGAINST Alzheimer's Disease, where participants are instructed to bring pictures of their loved ones to remind them of why they are walking. The brochure shows four generations with only two generations with Alzheimer's disease. OR Project Sister …sexual assault crisis services educating the communities we serve about the nature and causes of sexual violence. OR these internet sites: The Hunger site, The Kids AIDS site, The Landmine site, The Rainforest site, or The Child Survival site. What solutions do any of these examples provide? Is it any wonder why hospitals, doctors and drug companies have so many patients? In addition to all the previous information in this article, many magazines use full front page headlines like, "The DIABETES EPIDEMIC...a killer disease. This creates conscious awareness to diabetes and creates patients for the medical profession.

Now for a change of pace, consider this: A Walk For Peace in Celebration of the United Nations, OR walking the CAMINO for the purpose of a spiritual and physical challenge... and with the intention to find one's deepest "spiritual meaning." Can you hear the difference in the motivations and energetic vibration? These examples are FOR health and FOR very different motivations than my previous examples.

Polarized Thinking

Presenting information with polarized viewpoints is another way to increase negative results through creating apathy. The back and forth bantering does the same thing to your psyche as a cat that bats a mouse back and forth until it's lethargic. Many people today are confused and don't know who to believe or what to trust. This is the result of strategic spin doctors who practice the science of creating public opinion. They can put a particular product or concept in a desirable light. They know the best public relations happens when people are unaware that they are being manipulated. To create public opinion PR firms select specific radio, TV, magazines and news papers and use third party endorsements, institutes, foundations, celebrity endorsements, scientists for hire, attack strategies, and canned news and press releases. The sole purpose of news is to keep you in fear and uncertainty so you will watch again and be subjected to more advertising. Polarized talk show participants keep consciousness stuck in no-win situations.

Dowsing and Kinesiology Testing

Dowsing has been used for eons to find water, oil and gold. I personally use both dowsing and kinesiology to determine the positive or negative effects of promotional brochures, pink cancer ribbons, fund-raising letters, and brochures. What Dowsing proves is the impact on a person's energy field of all the information I've been sharing. If it's truth-the field expands. If it isn't -the field collapses. It's amazing to witness testing someone who doesn't even know what the "pink cancer ribbon" means, yet we get negative test results. September is CANCER AWARENESS Month. Having read this information, you have some new insights. What do you think CANCER AWARENESS month will create? More health or dis-ease? Do you want to be part of the problem, or part of the solution? Please think about the this and then determine what you will do.

Who You Are Makes A Difference

It's important that everyone contribute to the betterment of themselves, others and society-and there are many ways to make a difference. One of the greatest gifts each of us can give to the world is to monitor everything we think and feel-so we can get THERE from HERE. Stop reading magazines and newspapers…stop watching TV and listening to the radio…and you will be amazed at how different you think and feel. It takes great courage to pull out of the collective cesspool of crap ... and live your truth.

It's time, not just to wake-up-but to grow up and be more responsible. What we envision is what we will create. Consider how different the world would be if TV and radio programming only broadcast information about what 99% of us do, instead of the 1% who are society deviants. Their negative thought forms are a major factor creating society today. Think about the world our children and grandchildren will live in. From now on, please honor your values, be discerning, selective-and only support people and empowering causes that truly make this world a better place to live.

This article is written by and the property of, Jeanine Just, founder and CEO of Visionaries University. You have permission to share it through any medium as long as proper credit lines are included.

Jeanine is a highly acclaimed new paradigm builder, inspirational speaker, seminar leader, author, and visionary success strategist. For interviews, seminars, consulting, or more information on how to reinvent your business, life or future, contact Jeanine at 949-494-3811 or www.visionariesuniversity.org

Spinster Letters

    Commonsense Approach to Domestic Violence

i read the artical about abbuse ,well im a victim ,i just cant believe i put up with it for 20 ,yrs ,i did put a stop to it ,he threatened me and my children ,friends etc etc ,,,well he has been out of my life for almost 2 yrs now ,but for some reason he is controlling my life from another state ....i hope that my divorce will be final next mth ,anyway im a lot happier ,i can sleep when i feel like it ,i can have friends over ,the list goes on ,so to all out there i hope that you stop this before someone really gets hurt ,there is no need to abuse ,,as for myself im going to enjoy my freedom and go on with my life ,,,,,,,i had the police take him out of my home for fear he would really hurt me bad ,,,,,,,,ill keep in touch with progress ,,,,,,,,again thank you ,, A.D

Your article was like a deja vu for me. But one day after I had had enough, and was tired of telling my daughter to never allow a man to treat her the way her father treated me and telling my son if he ever treated a woman the way his father treated me I would haunt him until his dying day. So I proceeded to make a plan.......every black eye, every mark, every scrape and every cut was photographed by a friend and each picture was dated. I quit the job I was at and got another one, this time he had no idea how much money I was making. I took a certain amount of money out of each weeks pay and hid it until I had enough money to put down on an apartment for the kids and I, and have the utilities turned on. Once I had the apartment, little by little the kids and I started moving things into it, when we had enough moved in so that we could live fairly comfortable, we moved in. I went back to the old house just one more time......this time he got the black eye, broken nose and two chipped front teeth.........and no witnesses. I don't believe in violence, but I do believe in "an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth". I'm not saying life was easy, I worked two jobs to support my kids, but we sure were a lot happier. And as far as that part about "the kids miss or have to see their Daddy".........that and $10.00 WON'T GET HIM A CUP OF COFFEE AT STARBUCKS. Good luck A Happy Scorpio

I just read your article on Domestic Violence in a Millenium Divorce newsletter. I too was mentally abused for years, and felt I had no financial or emotional means to leave. However, one day that mental abuse turned to physical abuse. Since my now ex-husband was a police officer at the time, when I fought back physically to the blows being rained on my face, I was the one who was taken to the hospital and arrested.

Did anything happen to him? No. The big blue shield came up to do damage control while I was being x-rayed for a skull fracture. That blow to the head obviously opened up something inside me, as he left that weekend, and I have fought tooth and nail since then to keep a roof over my child and my own head. I am not interested in him ever trying to reestablish or maintain any type of relationship with either of us. Bitter? Perhaps, but better off without someone who has no regard for me or my child as a person.

Women in this country aren't encouraged to take care of themselves first, it's always defer to the man and take care of him and his needs. If women aren't strong enough, emotionally or financially, to take care of themselves, this barbaric behavior will continue. Until there are better laws protecting the women as victims, and men are made to be accountable for their actions, they will continue to treat the women in their lives as chattel. Debbie

I agree that lack of self-esteem is the core of what causes abuse. Lack of self-esteem is part of why an abuser feel the need to have power and control over his victim and part of why the victim stays. I agree if you have respect and esteem for yourself, you leave if someone is abusive in anyway.

Reality is that the vicitms who are currently in an abusive relationship do not have the self esteem required to see the abuse clear enough to leave at the first sign of abuse.

Raising our children to have proper self-esteem is one way to help end abuse in the future. I also have a strong belief in the power of educating people about domestic violence. Helping women by educating them about the resources available to them. Providing free counseling that helps the victim gain self esteem and look at the patterns in relationships in her life. Telling a woman to just leave is hollow advice.

Education on the characteristics of abusive personalities helps, telling about the warnign signs, as well as modeling good relationships will help women to find the courage to leave. But we have to be there for her when she leaves.

The legal system is not the only answer to domestic violence. However, it is a necessary tool for many victims to have protection in order to leave. We need to acknowledge the reality of a victims life. Yes, she is the only one to change her life. But, making her feel responsible for the abuse will never help a victim leave. Once someone in an abusive realtionship, we need to be there for her. No matter how frustrating, tell her she deserves better, help her find the resources to leave, be there when she feels weak and feels like she has to go back.

I have worked with domestic violence victims and survivors for years. What I have seen make the most differnce is support, counseling and education. Help to teach women what self esteem is and how to give it to her kids. Blaming her for being in the abusive relationship because she lack self esteem doesn't help, it re-victimizes her.

When you have the gift of self esteem it can be hard to acknowledge the challenge it is to achieve self esteem when you lack it. I have spent years trying to teach women how to get out and stay out of abusive relationships. It is an uphill battle to gain self esteem no matter who you are. But if there is someone who is trying to tear you down at every corner and backs his words with violence, gaining enough self esteem to get out is a war.

I do understand your point of view. I just fear that a victim may interpret what you say as someone else blaming her for the violence. What do you tell a woman that has tried many times to leave and came back because of the continued threats and violence; who came back because her kids miss their dad, their home, their friends; who came back because she can't give her kids the quality of life they had with the abuser's financial support?

Most of the women I have worked with leave the relationship with nothing, no money or resources. The abuser will clean out every account, cancel the credit cards and quit his job so that she can't get support for her children. Have you tried to raise more than one kid on welfare in an area that has no real job opportunities? Besides, welfare only lasts 60 months and even if she does get a job, many times she has no skills or job experience, so she works for minumum wage. These are real challenges for the women I have worked with. Even if they have the esteem to get out, once they do the real work has only just begun. Besides fearing for her and her children's safety.

The legal system can help to better respond. Putting dead beat dads in jail for quitting his job and refusing to pay support. Providing lasting protection orders not just ones that last six months and ones that are responded to by the police. Taking away the freedom of the abuser through the legal system can have a real impact.

Again, I agree self esteem is the key to ending the violence. But helping victims gain self esteem does not begin with blaming them for being in the relationship to begin with.



The statistics you quoted are great but if a woman's self esteem is healthy and her "loved one" began belittling her she is most likely to throw in the towel on that relationship not stay until it has escalated to violence.

~~Your approach to domestic violence only serves to blame the victim, as the abuser does.~~

They are the other half of the situation are they not? If they weren't there the abuser would have no one to attack. No one is liable for your feelings or actions only you. We're treated in the manner inwhich we permit. I've spoken with many survivors and they were quick to tell me they had a "gut feeling" early in the relationship prior to the violence with the constant negative verbage. They chose to excuse or ignore what their ears heard and the early warnings of their inner voice. Why did they ignore those warnings? Their self esteem was already low and vulnerable so they took it.

In this society we're in such a hurry to dismiss our intuition in the name of "love" we create messes for ourselves. Now on to your point above, can you see where not accepting any responsibilty to their situations has gotten women in this society? Absolutely nowhere, domestic abuse is still occurring. Many "victims" leave from one violent situation straight into another, why? They lack responsibility for self. Why? Women must accept their part of this cycle because they are the enablers when they permit someone to disrespect them, doesn't matter if it's verbal or physical.

When they rationalize their abusers abuse and go back for the "honeymoon" phase they perpetuate the abuse. All I'm saying to women (and men) is to get out early don't excuse or justify the violence which is exactly what these "victims" do when they go back whether they realize it or not. They must stop placing all of their hope and faith in the judicial system and put some in themselves that's the only way women will truly be empowered and stop the vicious cycle of abuse.

"You're only a victim when you permit someone to continuously make you one." Tori Leiheimer

The way I see it they have a choice, stay and let someone control them (maybe kill them) which leaves them no chances of happiness, or assume some responsibility by getting out then addressing the intentional destruction of their esteem by their mates, see how they reacted (or didn't react) to those early warnings then learn from them. If they fail to identify their role from their past in regards to the domestic violence they are surely destined to repeat them.

~~We need to educate our children about abuse and healthy relationships.~~

I agree with you somewhat. Children learn better when we show them, talk is cheap. When they are exposed to adults who are not belittling or hitting each other who have placed value on themselves they (as in children) will most likely have healthy self images, hitting and belittling others would not be something they would do.

~~We need to look at our friends and families and speak out if we see indicators of abuse.~~

I wouldn't be able to help myself, yes I would say something to a friend or family member I thought was being abused. However, it's an assumption these people want others to interfere, inspite of the chaos they maybe living in they may not want help. I've seen this on more than one occassion inwhich the battered woman gets angry and stands up for her abuser. Here again anyone who would stand up for another who is abusing them have a self esteem problem which requires addressing. It's time our approach to domestic violence changed because the old way of granting eternal victimhood and pointing at the man is not working.

Just some thoughts,
Regena English, editor

I was disgusted by your article on Domestic Violence.

How dare you blame any woman for being abused by her spouse!! Do you blame children for being abused?? Is that also their fault?

If you had children with a man, and he abused you, and you had nowhere to go and he had told you he'd kill you if you left, and kill your kids too, is it any wonder you might stay, even if it meant a black eye or an occassional broken bone??

"It's imperative women understand their bodies and minds are to be treated with respect and honor, and it is within their power to enforce treatment befitting a human being."

It's very easy to say that women deserve to be treated as human beings, but if you think that just saying it changes anything, try telling someone coming after you with a baseball bat that you deserve better treatment. Try saying that as you're attempting to run down the road and he grabs you and throws you back in the car, to make sure noone ever knows he's been abusing you. How is one to "enforce" your code? Hit him back with something so that he'll just beat you twice as hard??

For many, many women who are victims of Domestic Violence, there is no escape but death. You leave - he hunts you down and stalks you, harasses you, abuses you or maybe even kills you. Threatens your family, your kids, gets you fired from a job -- abusers are sick, sick people who take advantage of everyone around them, not just "weak-willed women" who just won't get up and leave like you think they should.

"The only person to blame is the perpetrator, after all they're mentally ill. Not once did she point out how victims aren't victims until they surrender their power, which gave the impression she was saying the victims aren't responsibility for themselves.

"I'm not saying they (as in the victim) can control anyone but themselves, no I'm saying there's always something the "victim" can do to legitimately protect themselves from further harm." ---Please tell me what is miracle that can make it safe for every abused woman??

"Are these options perfect? The answer is no, but, at least the "victim" would be attempting to do something rather than throwing their hands in the air and accepting the harsh treatment as facts of life." "Victim" in quotes, as though it's a farce??? You do not believe that women continue to live under the thumb of a mean, violent, often drunk or drugged abuser? You think these women are weak and pampered, and stay with such a man for convenience?? Spend a nite in an emergency room or volunteer at a shelter. These women are beaten into submission, so terrified of the inevitable abuse that thier spirit is broken, so alienated that they feel alone in all the world.

Perhaps since you know so much about what abused women are like and should do and can do, why don't you open your home to abused women to help them get away -- house and clothe them, help them get jobs, watch thier children while they go to therapy. And that day when he finds her and is breaking down the door to beat her to death, you can save her by telling him that she's to be treated humanely, it's her right, and he should just go get some therapy.

And when he's done breaking your bones, let me know how it worked.



Dear Lucy,
~~ I appreciate your honest and quick reply -- I really doubt that you yourself have been a victim of DV.~~

You assume because I have the stance I do I've never been up close and personal with domestic violence. It don't always have to happen to you for you to learn from it. I've given seminars on self esteem and I've seen the end results, I've had friends and family members affected by abuse so I'm not naive to this arena.

~~Victims can not act early on because early on everything is great. So, he hits you - the next day he is SO sorry and swears it will never happen again.~~

Not true, they can act but they choose not to. If your self esteem is healthy someone hitting you is never excused regardless to what they say. The mere fact they hit you is enough of a warning to get away from them, they lack self control. As many television shows and movies covering this topic someone hitting should set off an alarm.

~~You love him, and you don't have much of a choice (do you know that most batterers first hit right after marriage and/or during or right after a pregnancy? ~~

What's love got to do with him hitting you, absolutely nothing. We always have a choice, we may not like the choices but we always have them. Pregnancy should be a motivator to not endure beatings and humiliation.

~~DV is not about violence, it's about control.~~

That's pure rhetoric. It's violence first and foremost used to instill fear, which in turns, control behavior of the victim. The two co-exist to reinforce each other. A person could manipulate (ie control) another person without ever using violence towards them. If this was just about control why hit you when he could clearly use other means.

~~My ex after 2 years of being apart, a restraining order, two moves, is still trying to gain some sense of control -- I ruined his equlibrium -- I left, and I won't come back.~~

See here, you're working to maintain your power of self, fighting to keep it which means staying away from him and his issues. That's exactly what others should be encouraged to do.

~~They learn it from their famililes, he learned from his dad (who was stalking me after I left) and his kids will learn it. Boys will be abusers and girls will be abused -- "it's okay, that's how my mom and dad lived, it must be Okay".~~

That may be the case for your ex but that's not always the final circumstance. Everyone who abuse are not from families inwhich the parents or grandparents abused one another. Being that you left you're saying to your daughters women don't need to tolerate being struck, and to your sons you're saying hitting others is unacceptable and won't be tolerated. The cycle of abuse don't have to continue since you're talking to your children and showing them how to treat others, you're in fact breaking the cycle.

~~I think the best ways to make the cycle stop begin with educating our little ones that hitting is hurting, cracking down on our courts and police to make sure that A- there are strong laws to protect those who aske to be protected and~~

Girls and boys raised to value themselves don't abuse or accept abuse from others. If there's a lack of esteem and feelings of hopelessness it doesn't matter how many laws are on the books that person will continue to be victimized if not physically possibly by circumstances.

The biggest mistake women make is looking to others to rescue them when the first step to overcoming any obstacles is to first believe and love self, believe that they deserve and can have better, and they develop a deep desire to stop the madness. Women get feed up with being a punching bag and make changes to correct what's worng with their lives everyday.

The only effective way to truly eliminate domestic violence is to let children see Mom and Dad value themselves and respect others. Respecting others don't entail hitting and verbally belittling anyone. Parents have a hard time believing this but they set the tone for their children's lives, especially how well they cope and love themselves. Children learn best when they can see the lessons in action.

~~they figure "she deserved it" or " he's just keeping his wife in line" or a million other excuses. ~~

It's possible some of them think this way and don't want to be bothered. I've spoken with a few officers and they told me how disgusted they were with the idea of a person being attacked by their loved ones. What angered them the most was the fact many battered women refuse to press charges or drop them after they've made up with their spouses. The officers fear being called back to the residence in a month or two to pick up those women's dead bodies. Do this represent all battered women? No but enough have done this to make some officers take a nonchalant approach to domestic violence.

People such as neighbors fail to get involved for the same reasons as the police officers mentioned. If they stick their necks out to help the woman being abused will they be left dealing with the same anger of the perpetrator when the woman backs down from filing charges.

~~Stopping DV needs to be a concerted grass-roots effort with women and MEN (important!) teaching thier children, supporting people who ask for it, adn being there to help those who don't.~~

Stopping domestic violence should start on a personal level with a healthy esteem,not accepting hits in exchange for love, living as a example for other victims to see they too can overcome this situation.

~~I hope you can begin to understand the importance of never letting anyone think that DV is okay under any circumstances.~~

I do understand and I'm in agreement with you it's not acceptable. My stance is not one of promoting domestic violence, it's one that says pay attention to the signs in the beginning and don't let love or affection blind you to a person's true nature. ACT on the first sign not let it ride until the next time, then the next and so on. Look I realize you see my hardcore stance as pro domestic violence, that's not my intention but I remember how it disturbed me to see it happen to the people I love and I don't wish it on any other woman. I wrote the article awhile back and everytime it ran in someone's publication it drew support from both ex-victims and non-victims alike and only received two negative replies.

Do you know why? The women I asked said they were tired of looking to others for help and decided it was time they relied on themselves, and they encourage other women to develop this attitude and stop feeling helpless. The usual ways of dealing with domestic violence (looking to the judicial system, police, attorneys, shelters, etc) has yet to decrease the incidence of this behavior which says it's not working and some other approach need to be available. What I wrote was done out of compassion to stop the needless pain so many endure daily.

The prevention has to start with a healthy esteem, there's no overlooking this point. Being able to love and value yourself will help you avoid violent relationships and to get out of them if currently in one. I urge women to be honest with themselves when their "gut" instinct says something's not right with the people for which they are involved. Letting love weigh in their decision to walk away is a mistake made everyday, this shouldn't be but yet it is for many women. If they hit you once the possibilities of them doing so again when stressed is great. So what, they apologize later for hitting, it's apparent they lack self control if they lashed out at someone they love. A healthy esteemed woman would see through their apologies and get away from them.

Again it saddens me you had to endure harsh and violent treatment by someone you loved and I pray other women find their way to feel strong as you're doing.
Regena English, editor

Outside of Mainstream Thinking

Businesses and or ideas appearing in this section are added as "For Your Information" only and not as advertisers. No monies, products, or favors have been accepted on their behalf.

There's a neat little site on the web just for sisters interested in the sport of golf. The game of golf is hardly outside of mainstream nor is the fact there are companies selling golfing equipment to women golfers' rare. However, what is outside of mainstream and is rare, is Fran Romeo, one of the few women (and a spinster,too) selling golf equipment specifically designed for the woman golfer. As the owner of www.bogeysandbirdies.com she is just as passionate about golf as any of the enthusiasts shopping her site.

"I accepted a challenge from a mentor to find a way to make my dreams come true in a non-traditional way so I could do what I wanted which is to play golf when and where I want and continue with all my charity work."

Well it appears she succeeded. If you like the sport of golf , know someone who does, or better yet would like to play golf yourself stop by her site. Out of a desire to reach out and help fellow spinsters enjoy this sport she's offering a 10% discount to the readers of this publication. "St.Mary" is the discount code.

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Copyright 1998-2002, St.Mary Publishing Company of Houston (SM). All Rights Reserved. You may not use any parts of this publication without permission. St.Mary Publishing Company of Houston(SM) is not responsible for comments made by authors nor advertiser content,promises, or products. ISSN 1527-7186